My business failed, I feel so relieved.

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to run my own business. Why, you ask? Good question. I have only started to ask myself this recently, as I settle in to my mid thirties. What was it about running a business that attracted me? Freedom for sure, a value I hold deep. I never liked being told what to do, I always thought I could do it better, and I wanted to build an empire *insert evil laugh here*. If I dug a little deeper, I would have found some psychological patterns at play, which did not come apparent until everything fell apart, twice.

However, until that happened, I was driven by this dream, driven to never be satisfied until I started my own business.

And so, after spending most of my twenties working freelance on event contracts, and then taking on full time employment (because I couldn't get any other work), and then keeping full time employment (to fund my masters degree), I set up a business. To zero fanfare I may add. I didn't do any market research, nor write a business plan, I didn't consult with anyone (although did pay expensive coaches for completely inappropriate help a year later). It was the summer of 2019, I was standing in a train station in England, working on a major sports event with a friend. He told me how easy it was to set up a limited company, and I did it there and then on my iPad. (Without informing me of what comes with running a limited company, including hiring accountants and their associated fees).

Little did I know what I had done.

There was no life force energy cruising me along the river of setting up this business. I was pushing a rope from the get go. Yet, I felt mentally driven to do it.

At the time I was still working full time, but went freelance in November 2019 after being invited out to the Middle East and Australia for work. Yep, right before the world shut down. I barely made ends meet, took out loans, and even trained as a Pilates teacher to get another source of income, which just added to my pile of debt. I didn't know how to market my work, I felt really awkward pitching work, and often felt like others could do it better than me. I tripped myself up all the time. I was alone, and I realise now I am not very good working alone. I work well with others, I am a collaborator.

As a Human Design Projector, I am not even designed to work alone! Projectors are here to know the other. In addition, I have Tribal definition, and one of my two channels is the Channel of Community. I am literally here to work with others, so no wonder working alone did not flow at all.

Regardless of the pandemic, I am unsure how successful the business would have become. It was never set up right. I didn't know how to position myself, I didn't know how to develop a brand. I had no mentor, nor network of successful businesswomen who could support me (watching Meghan Sussex launch her business and share about the type of people around her supporting her reflected this back to me). I had little money to invest in specialists and anytime I did enquire, they would reflect how unclear I was about how I wanted to be positioned. On one hand I wanted to develop a business larger than me, without using me as the cornerstone, yet I was always advised to use my name, my reputation. It never sat well with me. Nothing ever flowed with ease. Nothing grew.

It all felt exhausting, keeping me awake at night and distracted during the day. The moment I thought of the business, my body would tighten up, the mind would scrunch and crunch my brain. I would feel almost nauseous. Sometimes I did feel nauseous.

Business 2.0

After making the company dormant during the pandemic and taking on employment, I resurrected the business in 2023. The following two years were incredibly difficult. I struggled to make enough money to pay for rent and bills. I was not able to plan ahead. I was just surviving, and my nervous system, constantly stuck on alert, was fried. Just as I was starting to reap the benefits of a reputation in the industry, being asked to speak at conferences, chair panels, host networking sessions, I pulled back, as all of these were unpaid and took up most of my time, I had to focus on earning money. I found that nothing I did - blog posts, articles, conferences, member organisations, videos, podcasts etc. ever brought in paid work. None of it.

I did notice, however, that all paid work which did come in, came from people who already knew me, and recommended me to new clients. Energetically, as a Projector in Human Design, my strategy is to wait for an invitation (i.e. wait for the rope to pull) and that is exactly how all paid work came in. Did I even need to try so hard? Was I, once again, pushing the rope?

Still, I was struggling to get by, felt miserable, isolated, didn't enjoy the work and didn't know how to continue growing the business. I began seeing the business as a living entity that I created, and it needed feeding and nurturing to survive and thrive. I did not have that energy available, and in Human Design, as I have an undefined Sacral centre (the centre for life force energy, the energy to build and create), I literally did not have consistent access to that energy. This is why Projectors are designed to guide others, specifically those with sacral definition. We are here to be wise about energy.

The more I studied my own design, the more I realised I was way off piste with how I was operating. I am not designed to work alone, yet I was working alone. I was not designed to initiate and grow this business without that energy support, yet I was. No wonder I was exhuasted and miserable. It's like a fish wanting to live land. It doesn't last long.

"Eventually", as Pema Chödrön says "the pain wins", and after feeling completely depleted, I stopped running, turned around, and faced what was driving me.

What the business really represented

Whether or not this is the truth, or how others see it, the following was the truth for me.

When I finally began to look under the surface at the psychological patterns really driving this "dream", I found something completely different to freedom.

I found "running my own business" was some form of badge of honour for me, that I believed would allow me to be taken seriously, to be accepted as "one of the boys". I recognised that I did not feel I was acceptable in society as myself, or with the feminine energy I had. I needed to be tough, I needed to be smart, and I needed to behave like the men I saw running successful businesses. Only then would I be taken seriously. Only then would I be respected. Only then I would be seen.

This doesn't come across as a heart centred creation, but something born of comparison, of judgment, of not feeling enough. I now see how the business came from inner lack, not inner abundance.

What I appreciate about Human Design is it teaches us to accept our limitations, and recognise our unique design as our treasure. When we stop trying to be like others, and start being ourselves, we are able to tap in to our real power. The moment I realised this, a profound sense of calm came over me. I felt so comfortable in my own body. I released the judgment I was holding over myself. I realised it was OK to be me.

I realised the business was draining me, not sustaining me. It was not something coming from my heart, it was coming from my mind. It took a lot of energy, and did not return on the investment. If this was in monetary terms, I would have cut my losses a long time ago, yet we often can't see what we are doing when we are in it.

The moment the idea of closing the business began, to the moment I came to clarity on the decision, took about four months. Once that clarity hit, it felt oh so sweet. My nervous system felt relieved. Utterly relieved. It was like removing a very heavy costume that I had been wearing this whole time. It was a huge weight melting off my shoulders. I don't know what lies ahead of me, and historically I would have been very stressed about it, but suddenly the worry was gone. Suddenly, it was easier to be present, to be in the moment. On contemplation, it feels like holding this storyline for so long was the cause of my anxiety, and by letting it go, my body can settle and feel safe in the now.

By letting go of who I thought I was meant to be, I could relax into who I am.

Letting go of who we are not, allows for who we are to have space to breathe. From this place of groundedness, I can see how when I was in the middle of this, there was no space, no room for me to be me. No wonder I was so unhappy.

In reality, not much has changed. I am still working freelance, on projects that would have gone through the business previously, and the money I need comes in when I need it. However, everything has changed. I don't feel I need to present something to the world that isn't true. I don't need to maintain a brand that wasn't really there anyway. I don't need to invest energy into something that was costing me. Ironically, now, I feel free. It really demonstrates how our experience of the world is merely a reflection of how we feel inside.

This isn't to say I am against ever running a business, but I know now how much energy and investment is needed to run a business. It's like nurturing a baby, it takes everything. If I am ever to do this again, I know it needs to be with the right people and needs to feel correct. I know now how my body responds to what comes in, and if something is right for me or not.

I know that ultimately, there is nothing really for me to do except watch my mind, keep coming back into the present moment, and wait for the rope to pull.

If this post was helpful in anyway and you want to say thanks, you can buy me a coffee.

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